Cullen Family Holiday
by Nakii-Ilylac
Summary: After BD. Carlisle decides to take the family on holiday to Isle Esme. Jacob comes too and there's some rivalry between him and a certain other surprise guest who in his opinion has been spending too much time with Renesmee. Hopefully it's funny!
1. Chapter 1

Bella POV

At last we were free to be a family, us Cullen's and Jacob who to Rosalie's disappointment was sticking to us like a pet dog!

"Morning Bella had a nice…!" Emmett began

"Yes thank you!!" I snapped

"Wow! Are you sure? Coz boy you sound cranky! Maybe Edward isn't as trained as me?" Emmett chuckled and glanced at his wife. Rosalie sighed trying not to smile.

"Actually Edward is FANTASTIC in bed!" I blurted out.

Emmett burst into fits of laughter and fell to the floor. Rosalie was cracking up as well.

I slowly turned around. Esme was standing right behind me, her face shocked. If I could have died of embarrassment I would have. Then I realised she was holding Renesmee in her arms.

" Oh…Um…" What could I say? Renesmee reached out for me. I scooped her into my arms as she reached up to touch my cheek. A flash of my face a minute before. Then one of her crib. She was climbing out and walking out of her room towards a white door. She pushed it open. Edward and I were making out on the floor. OH MY GOD! She saw us last night! How did we not notice? And the biggest question of all- who else had she shown? I looked at Esme again and she could hardly look me in the eyes. She looked like she was going to burst into fits of laughter.

"Renesmee why didn't you show momma first?" I said firmly.

"Momma you wouldn't listen, I called you lots of times," She said uncomfortably.

"What's all the commotion honey?" Edward asked as he reached out for his daughter. She began to laugh hysterically.

"What?" He asked confused.

She couldn't breathe. I watched, as she turned red and then giggled.

"Daddy makes funny noises at night!"

The whole family was on the floor within seconds. Jacob who had been standing by the door joined in too. Edward glanced at me and I let him into my mind to show him what had happened.

"Oh. I see" He cleared his throat.

" Come here Renesmee, honey." She sat in his lap.

"When you love someone who isn't your mom or your dad or your auntie or your uncle sometimes you want to kiss them"

" I love Jakey. Should I go and kiss him?" She asked confused.

"No" Edward said tightly.

"Maybe that's not the best idea Nessie" Jacob added, "When you're older"

Edward took Renesmee's face in his hands.

"No not even then. Never. Werewolves smell!"

Jacob growled and Edward hissed back.

"Why not daddy? I love Jakey. I want to kiss him now."

"Wow. She has teenage hormones" Carlisle exclaimed.

"She's already getting serious" Rosalie said.

"Absolutely. I can feel it" Jasper said a slight smirk on his face. The situation was getting out of hand.

"Renesmee sweetie, you can't kiss Jacob now, because you're too young. Way too young. Maybe a little peck is fine, but no more" I smiled at her.

Edward growled at Jacob who was blushing.

"Edward" I said sternly. Renesmee reached out to Jacob and he lifted her into his arms. She snuggled closer to his chest and pecked his neck lightly.

"Thank you Nessie" Jacob said.

" How about 1 more Jakey, for luck?" She said in her sweet, angelic voice.

I can't take this anymore Jacob thought. Edward turned to Jacob and looked at him with harsh, cold eyes.

"One move and you're dead wolf" He growled. Renesmee pulled herself up and began moving towards Jacob's cheek again, when suddenly, before Edward could stop her, she kissed Jacob on the lips!

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" Emmett rolled on the floor laughing.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Thanks to everyone who reviewed! If you like it and find it funny please review. It makes me and my friends happy!

BPOV

"Bleugh. Jacob you taste DISGUSTING" Renesmee exclaimed. Edward was still glaring at Jacob, his fists clenched. I stroked his face. " She didn't mean any harm"

"It's not her I'm mad at, she's a child, she doesn't understand. HIM on the other hand…"

I sighed. "Renesmee sweetie, come to momma" She jumped into my arms and touched my cheek showing me Edward's furious face. "I didn't mean to upset daddy" she said sadly. Edward sighed deeply. "You didn't upset me honey," he said, stroking her curls. "Jake did"

"Would you like me to bite him for you daddy?"

"That's not a bad idea" He grinned. I put her down and she ran towards Jacob. " This should be good" Alice laughed. Jacob looked shocked. "Nessie, don't be like that!" Renesmee leapt towards him and sunk her teeth into his arm. At the sound of his cry she jumped up and touched his face "Sorry Jakey, I'll kiss it better!"

"Enough with the kissing!" I screamed. Emmett grabbed her by the legs. "Hold on there Nessie, if you can't keep your lips to yourself I'll have to cut them off!" He joked. She stuck her tongue out at him and carried on trying to get to Jacob. Suddenly Edward turned towards Jasper. He was leaning against the wall smiling widely. "Stop it" Edward hissed through clenched teeth.

"Jasper it was you?" I screamed. "You asshole!"

"Jasper" Alice sighed.

"Haha. I was just chilling. You know. Minding my own business" He smirked.

"Uncle Jazzy what's asshole?" Renesmee asked. I glared at him.

"You're turning my daughter into a potty-mouthed harlot Jasper!" I shouted.

"Okay, okay Bella calm down. Someone needs a vacation" Before I could respond with 'how about my shoe takes a vacation on your ass' Carlisle had entered the room.

"A vacation sounds like a very good idea" He said tiredly. "We should all take a family vacation"

"That sounds great!" Jacob said enthusiastically.

"Since when were you classed as a part of our family dog?" Edward asked.

"Yeah" Emmett muttered, "Who invited you?"

"Hey Edward that's not fair! When the Volturi came last year, you called me your brother, your SON"

"Yes, well I was under the very satisfying impression that I was never going to see you again mutt" Jacob looked like a wounded puppy.

"A vacation where? Antarctica? We can't exactly go anywhere sunny now can we?" I asked. Carlisle smiled.

"Of course we can Bella" I must of looked pretty blank because Edward turned to me and said, "He's thinking of Isle Esme"

".Well." If I could have blushed I would have.

"Is there a problem with that Bella?" Jasper asked sweetly. I felt a wave of lust hit me.

"No. Not at all. I'll just go and….pack" I glanced at Edward. "Upstairs. In our room." He looked confused. Was I going to have to spell this out for him? "On our bed"

"Oh"

"Daddy even I knew what she was getting at!" Renesmee giggled.

2 days later……..

"Well. Here we are. Isle Esme" Carlisle said turning to his wife.

"I've missed this place" She sighed.

"I have too" Edward whispered in my ear. Renesmee touched my cheek showing me Jacob's face. We had managed to leave him behind.

"Don't worry honey. You'll see him again soon"

"Nessie, come to Uncle Emmett" She ran into his arms and he put her on his shoulders. She laughed. We entered the house and all piled into the kitchen. "It's so beautiful here" Alice said happily. Emmett put Renesmee down gently.

"So Bella, where was Nessie conceived then?" he chuckled. I growled.

"In the bedroom upstairs? Or on the sofa?" he continued. I glanced at the dining room table, debating whether to smash it over his head. He followed my gaze and raised his eyebrows.

"The dining room table? Niicccee" Before I could hit him, there was a knock at the door. I went to open it. "Bella, who is it darling?" Edward called. I turned around. "It's just Jacob." Then I realised. "JACOB? What are you doing here?" I looked at him, it seemed like something was missing but I just couldn't figure out what.

"Jakey you're naked" Renesmee laughed. Oh right. That was what he was missing. Clothes. I grabbed my daughter and covered her eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Here's the next chapter guys!

"Um Edward, can I borrow some clothes please?" Jacob asked solemnly.

"I think you'll have to" Edward went and rummaged through the nearest suitcase and handed him Emmett's shirt and pants.

"Hey! Who said he has to have mine?" Emmett protested.

"Renesmee can't exactly watch Jacob naked, idiot," Rosalie said. Emmett went off in a sulk. Jacob left and came back a few seconds later, fully dressed to my tremendous relief.

"Thanks" He said uncomfortably, wrinkling his nose slightly. The vampire smell was obviously annoying him. I was glad.

"Bella you know why I came and you can stop covering her eyes" Jake said in a huff. I looked at him for a moment before removing my hands from my daughters face.

"Come to Jake Nessie" Jacob reached out for her and she sprang into his arms, lightly kissing his cheek. He smiled lovingly. Edward looked ready to tear his head off.

"I guess we can't separate them after all," I thought as I opened my mind for Edward. We both watched our daughter in Jacob's arms.

"Can I come in then?" Jacob asked irritably.

"Of course Jacob" Carlisle said moving from the doorway.

"Oh man, now the house stinks" Emmett grumbled.

"Um, Jacob I can't SEE" Alice shouted.

"Oh sorry" he walked as far away from her as possible.

"Guys, I had a vision a minute ago. I think we're going to have another visitor"

"Who?" We all turned to her.

"I think he's Nessie's boyfriend to be," She said sweetly, looking at Jacob. He looked at the now sleeping Renesmee with a shocked expression on his face. Edward smiled smugly.

"Who is it Alice?" I asked confused.

"I know who it is," Jacob said quietly. He leant down to the couch and lowered Renesmee down. "I'm leaving," he whispered. He was out the door before I could protest. After three days there was still no reappearance of Jacob. I was a little bit worried and Alice still wouldn't tell me who our visitor was. A knock at the door pulled me from my thoughts.

"That's him!" Alice called from up the stairs. I opened the door and saw Nahuel the half vampire-half human boy who had saved our butts from the Volturi last year. Apparently he was Renesmee's "boyfriend to be" I smiled.

"Hello again! Would you like to come in?" He nodded. Alice had come to the door and was smiling too. I realised she must have invited him. Renesmee came over and lifted her arms up. I picked her up and she touched my cheek. Nahuel smiled shyly at her.

"She remembers you," I told him. Renesmee reached out her hands. When Nahuel didn't move she squirmed in my arms.

"She wants you to take her" He took her carefully. She touched his cheek and I watched as his expression became soft and loving. Edward came up behind me, wrapping his hands around my waist.

"I wonder what she's showing him," I thought to him. Edward smiled at me.

"She'll let you know when she's ready" I nodded. When Renesmee was finished showing him her thoughts she moved her hands away. "Thank you" he whispered. Renesmee looked at him and kissed his cheek. I heard a broken howl in the distance. I sighed, this was going to cause some complications.

AN: This chapter isn't as funny as the others but we needed a good storyline! The next chapter will be funnier…. Review please!


	4. Chapter 4

BPOV

"Edward" I said whilst combing my long thick hair. Vampires never sleep but for some reason it was tradition for Edward and I to get ready for the human rest. "What do you think of Nahuel?"

"He's a good kid…why Bella?" he asked.

"Well, Renesmee asked me where babies came from today and asked whether she would be able to buy babies with Nahuel! I think things are getting a bit serious. Well… as serious as they can get with a 3 year old." Edward looked at me with his famous crooked smile.

"Everything will be fine, she doesn't understand what she's saying…not completely at least!" He walked towards me to snuggle me in his arms, but this wasn't the time to comfort. Renesmee had just gone to sleep and we were finally alone. He could comfort me tomorrow but tonight I had a different agenda. As he reached out his arms I grabbed one of his hands and pulled him towards the blue bed in the centre of the room. A sudden thump came from above and I jumped straight into Edward's arms. After a few seconds there was another one. I looked at Edward who shrugged his shoulders.

BOOM!

A four-poster bed fell straight through the ceiling, demolishing the blue bed that we had been sitting on moments before. Dust filled the air, creating a thick fog. I heard Emmett laughing loudly, but not his usual roar, there was a hint of embarrassment to it. When the fog cleared, I saw that Emmett and Rosalie were sitting in their once cream bed, both shielding their obviously naked bodies with the satin sheets. I could already hear the rest of the family behind me. Esme's gasp was the only response, at least until Edward burst into fits of laughter. Alice and Jasper were quick to join him. By the looks of Rosalie's face she was not amused and I knew laughing really wouldn't be good for our newfound friendship, so I held my laughter and tried not to smile. I heard distance footsteps and Nahuel came running in. He looked at the scene in front of him.

"Would you like a condom?" he blurted out at the shamed couple. My lips quivered and I burst out laughing.

"What?" he replied innocently. Wait! Why did Nahuel have condoms????? Alice seemed to be thinking the same thing.

"Why do you have condoms Nahuel, why? WHY?" he looked confused.

"I don't? I was going to go to the store and buy some."

"Oh. Okay. I knew that. I know everything"

"Okay honey, come on" Jasper ushered his wife out of the room.

The next morning in an attempt to put the embarrassment of last night behind us, we decided to go the beach. I watched as Renesmee held Nahuel's hand as they picked up shells. Suddenly Jacob came running across the beach. "Oh no" I muttered.

"SHE'S MINEEEEEEEE" he roared and then tripped over his too-long legs and skidded to the floor. Renesmee laughed. He got up and tried to punch Nahuel but he ducked. Jacob became confused and hit himself instead. This time I laughed. Jacob lunged for Nahuel again but he calmly moved out of the way and Jacob ran straight into the rock that Nahuel had been standing in front of. He slumped to the floor unconscious.

"That got to have hurt" Emmett chuckled. He and Jasper walked over, picked him up and chucked him into the ocean.

Five hours later, after we had all returned to the house, there was a knock at the door. Emmett opened it to find a very soggy Jacob.

"Gross, you smell like wet dog" he said covering his nose. I came to the door.

"Jacob you're not jealous of Nahuel are you?" I asked.

"No. I'm not"

"Okay. That's good because he's sharing a room with Renesmee and there's no other rooms left so…"

"We made you a kennel outside" Edward laughed.

"Haha. Very funny Edward"

"No Jacob. We're deadly serious." He stormed off out the back door.

That night I went to Renesmee's room to tuck her down. Nahuel wasn't really staying in the same room as her, he had the sofa downstairs.

"Momma I need to go to the toilet"

"Okay sweetie, come on" I took her hand and walked her to the bathroom. There was strange noises coming from inside. I knocked on the door. When nobody answered, I opened it to find Rosalie and Emmett pushed up against the toilet, in a rather compromising position. Completely naked I might add. They hadn't noticed me standing open-mouthed at the doorway.

"I knew we'd find a use for this thing someday," Emmett growled. Rosalie nodded.

"Oh my god, you're having sex on a TOILET?!?" I shouted.

Emmett turned around. "Oh hey Bella, I didn't see you there. You alright Nessie?"

AN: I like the whole Jacob/ Nahuel rivalry! It's fun to write. Let me know what you think and review please!


	5. Chapter 5

AN: Okay here's the next chapter. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, you guys rock!

BPOV

Oh crap- Nessie! I was so shocked I had forgotten that my child was also here. I quickly slammed the door shut. Renesmee turned to me.

"But momma I need to pee pee!"

"I know sweetie, but this toilet is…. blocked. How about the sea?" Desperate times calls for desperate measures. She giggled and I chuckled to myself. Edward would probably be wondering where I was. As we started to head back to the house, I sensed a presence. I quickly scanned the area. I gasped when I saw who it was. Not a vampire- JACOB! He was now in sight, a huge smile across his face. I sighed. This could only mean one thing- that he had though of a new way to win over Renesmee.

"Jacob" I forced a grin.

"Bella" He nodded at me "and Nessie of course" he bent down and stroked her face. I glared at him.

"What are you up to Jake?"

"I love her!"

"I know!!" I snapped. I hated this; it wasn't fair for anyone to be forced to love someone. Why couldn't he and Nahuel see this?

"I want to marry her. I want you to promise her to me" I groaned at his words. I felt sick to my stomach. How DARE he? I stared at him as he continued.

"Like a pre-marriage thing." He smiled as if he was proud of his unforgivable suggestion. Anger rushed through me. My fists clenched.

"NEVER." I shouted. "She is not a prize that you can just win or pre-order. She's MY daughter. MINE. She can decide when she is older who she wants to be with but I bloody hope it's neither of you at the moment." I felt like spitting blood and clawing his eyes out. I was shaking with anger.

" I love you too" Renesmee said and started to walk towards him. I dragged her back. "But I love Nahuel too" she sighed and reached her arms towards me. As I scooped her up a sense of guilt rushed through me. I hadn't noticed that Jacob was crying, until he fell to the ground. A part of me wanted to comfort him. Rejection twice was enough to kill anyone. First me and now my daughter. A sudden reminder of Edward leaving me all that time ago filled my head.

"Jakey please don't cry" Renesmee whispered. I walked over to him, one arms supporting Renesmee the other wrapped around his shoulders.

"Jake please, I can't bear this. She'll always be yours, just not now, she's too young" I turned to Renesmee and she touched my cheek. She loved Jacob, she couldn't be away from him. He pulled her out of my arms.

"I'll never leave you Nessie" She smiled. Suddenly Emmett burst through the door. He looked at Jacob and Nessie.

"Sorry to interrupt the little bonding session you're obviously having, but we're gonna have a karaoke competition! Everyone's waiting in the lounge!" I sighed as I took Renesmee's hand and followed a bouncing Emmett into the next room. I sat on the sofa, Renesmee on my lap. Edward took my hand. This should be interesting I thought wryly. First up was Carlisle.

"Coz I'm a smooth operator. Smooooooooth Operator" Then came Esme, with a rather interesting song choice.

"Vogue. Let your body moooooove to the music, mooooooove to the music" Then it was Emmett's turn.

"Gimme Gimme MORE. Gimme MORE. Gimme Gimme MORE!" I watched in awe as he danced around the room, his hips swaying to the music, using Rosalie's body as a pole. Next was Alice.

"I always feel like somebody's watching meeeeeee. And I have no privacy" I laughed at her song choice. Rosalie sung Barbie girl with some help from Emmett. "Come on Barbie lets go party…Ah ah ah, YEAH!" I was beginning to get worried about singing my song.

Jasper was next. He stood in the middle of the room, looking at the ground when suddenly he snapped his head up and began screeching

"It's just emotions taking meeee overrrr" I never knew he could reach those high notes! When it was Edward's turn he sang Italian Opera. We all sat watching him open-mouthed.

"Friggin show off" Emmett muttered.

"Your turn Bella" Alice said. "Bella! Bella! Bella!" They all began to chant. Crap! I froze. Esme was now tugging at my hand. I sighed. Let's just hope that like my looks, my singing voice had improved since I'd been turned. I took a deep breath.

"Unbreak my heart! Say you'll looooooove me again. Undo this hurt you caused, when you walked out the door and walked out of my LIFE!" Suddenly the glass Jacob had been holding shattered. I held my breath. Was I really that bad?

"Is it over yet?" Emmett bellowed. It was then that I realised everyone, including Renesmee, had their hands over their ears. I glanced at Jacob.

"I, um, have a really strong grip?" he choked. I looked over at Edward, who to my surprise was staring out the window.

"Edward!" I tried to smile " I dedicated that song to you darling!"

"Errr. Thanks love? That was very um, scream- I mean SWEET of you!" he forced a smile. I KNEW I shouldn't have sung. There had been a REASON why I didn't want to. I threw myself back on the chair.

"Renesmee" I snapped. She got up and moved towards the centre of the room. She smiled sweetly and said, "This is for you mummy"

"Momma I love you, Momma I care," She sung in her angelic voice. I was extremely irritated. Why did my daughter have to be so perfect? She was a toddler and could sing better than me! I saw Edward smirking and I knew that I had been pouting.

"Oh shut up!" I thought. We were so busy having our silent conversation that we didn't notice Jacob getting up and walking over to the microphone.

"This one's for you Nessie baby!"

AN: I hope you guys liked it! If you did review please! Oh and for anyone who wants to know the songs are on my profile.


	6. Chapter 6

AN: Thanks for the reviews!!!!

BPOV

Edward turned around, a murderous glare on his face. "Oh god" Rosalie groaned, her features twisted in a look of horror. Jacob took a deep breath and then started the song.

"I'm bringing sexy back, yeah!

And all the boys don't know how to act, yeah!

I think it's special, what's behind your back, yeah!

So turn around and I'll pick up the slack, yeah! (Take it to the bridge)"

He began pointing at Nessie, Edward growled loudly.

"Diiiiiiiiirrrtttyyyyy baaabbbbbeeeee, you see these shackles baby? I'm your slave."

You could barely hear him over Edward's furious growling. "I'll let you whip me if I misbehave. It's just that no one makes me feel this way (Take it to the chorus)"

"I'm going to KILL him," Edward roared. Jacob had started clutching handfuls of air and was rotating his pelvis. I wasn't sure but I THOUGHT he might be trying to dance?

"Come on girl, go ahead be gone with it!

Come to the back, go ahead be gone with it!

VIP, go ahead be gone with it!

Drinks on me, go ahead be gone with it!

Let me see what your working with, go ahead be gone with it!

Look at those hips, go ahead be gone with it!

You make me smile, go ahead be gone with it!

Come here child!"

Suddenly Edward tackled Jacob, knocking him to the floor. All you could hear was the sound of Jacob's bones breaking and then the click of them healing themselves.

"That went well," I muttered.

"Yeah!" Emmett said enthusiastically. "That was great! Who's next?"

"I am" Nahuel jumped up from behind the sofa. What he was doing behind there, I wasn't too sure. He walked over to where Jacob had been standing a moment before. He looked at Nessie and then began….rapping.

"I like them black girls, I like them white girls

I like them Asian girls, I like them mixed-race girls

I like them Spanish girls; I like them Italian girls,

I like them French girls and I like them Scandinavian girls

I like them tall girls; I like them short girls,

I like them brown haired girls; I like them blonde haired girls,

I like them big girls; I like them skinny girls,

I like them carrying a little bit of weight girls"

He began stamping his feet and pumping his chest.

"I get all the girls, I get all the girls

I get all the girls, I get all the girls

I get all the girls, I get all the girls

I get all the girls, I get all the girls"

By the end of the song, I was frozen to my seat, my eyes wide. Carlisle cleared his throat.

"Okay. Well I think we're finished here" he said hurriedly. Jacob ran into the room his nose bleeding and his limbs distorted.

"No we're not!" He limped over to the microphone.

"It's getting hob in here, so take off all your clobes. I am getting so hob, I wanna take your clobes off" his broken noise was making it hard. Halfway through the song, it fixed itself.

"Oh great! My nose is fixed!" He exclaimed. I walked over to him and threw my fist into his face, desperate to make him stop.

"OW!"

"My turn!"

"Oh for the love of all that is holy, Nahuel, not again?" Edward said, agitated.

AN: If you liked it, review please!


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